The Divorce That Became a Blessing: Erica's Bennett "Woo & Do" Path to Healing

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Welcome everyone to Doing Business with a Service Heart Podcast. Doing business and life with a purpose, serving others, and yes, achieving success. I'm your host, Steve Ramona. We created this show for you because we want everyone to be motivated, inspired, and educated to make an impact in your world. While you're listening to this absolutely incredible guest today, I want you to think about how you serve today and what impact you'll create with that service. And if you want to send me a message, send me an email. You have all my contact info. Let me know what you did. I'd love to learn more. I think the more you serve, the better you get at it, just like any other gift. I want to thank my sponsor, pitchdb.com. Imagine being a guest over three million podcasts, speaking over a possible 18,000 conferences and much, much more. Build your thought leader platform with an incredible opportunity to show who you are. And as I talk about impact, we're going to talk about divorce and spiritual. I I don't know the numbers now, but is it 49% of divorces or marriages are divorced? We'll talk about that. I'll have to tell us that number. I know it's high. Anything above 1% to me is high. Uh, I just recently got married two years ago, so I'm really excited to learn more from this incredible guest. Erica, welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_02 2:12

Hello, thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

Oh, you're so welcome. Because, like I said, I'm gonna be a little selfish because I want to learn from you as well. Uh, not that I began divorced, I'm very, very happy and excited that I'm married, but the other side of that fence is not so good. But what I want to ask in your bio, you said uh you have a unique woo and do approach, blending the mystical with the practical. Caught my eye. Tell us about that.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

Yeah. So I spent 20 years in corporate America teaching people how to win, which was how to sell, how to deliver service, how to create better balance, right? It's overall, I have always lived with a passion to help people be them best, their best selves. Well, in corporate, we want the behavior, right? What do I need to do? What can I see? What do we say? All things that we can hold people accountable to. And the piece that was missing was always the mindset, the energetics. You know, we touch a little bit on it, but I then got deep into my own work. I'm a high achiever. I've I've achieved every goal I've ever set my mind to, with the exception of I had this goal that I really wanted to save my marriage. And it no matter what I did, it just didn't work, which, you know, jumping ahead turned out to be absolutely the right choice. But in that moment, that was the goal I had picked. And so diving deep into the energetics of learning who I am and what I want, and how do you connect with your own inner guidance? How do you hear that? Because especially when you're in a place of separation or divorce, you're confused. You're looking for clarity. Am I supposed to stay or am I supposed to go? Is his behavior going to change or is this the thing that I have to leave on? And so that woo part to me is the missing piece. To me, that's 90% of the work we need to do. It's not the little behavior that needs to change. It's how we line up our thoughts, our emotions, our desires, and our focus before we move something to action.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

I love that. And it's such an emotional thing. Like money's emotional. I think divorce and marriage can be emotional, it can affect your life and your business. That's why I love having you on. And you come from a service heart, how to help, because you have your experiences. But the crazy ex-wives club is such a cool name for a business. Where'd that come about? And what's the mission of the business?

SPEAKER_02 4:23

Well, I am going to be your favorite ex-wife, that's for sure. Um, the crazy, the the crazy ex-wives club came about because we are all crazy when our emotions have the best of us. When our emotions run the show, we do things that we wouldn't typically do. It's when we, you know, react and we start yelling. All the songs, right, about keying cars and slashing tires, that's emotions leading the show. So we all feel crazy when our emotions have the best of us. And so the goal of the podcast is to help women through that emotional healing, to help them regain control over their emotions, to get clarity on why it's happening, to do the deep inner healing work. And then we partner it with real life things you need to do now. Kind of back to your first question, the woo and the do. You see a lot of people that are either all woo, you know, meditate and feel good and find your joy. But how do I do that? If you are so lost and so upset, how do I do that? So the podcast breaks down all those pieces and we talk about the emotions, the heartfelt pieces, the what drives us crazy. And then we set you on your way with real life actions you can take to start healing that now.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

When I'm hearing, which is to me, is very powerful. When you're going through a divorce, you're alone. Can't talk to your kids. Family, it's hard, they're going to support you. So you kind of are that uh person alongside me, your podcast, to help questions get answered. Why am I feeling this way? Why am I drinking more? You know, I want to get into all that detail, but I'm sure that happens.

SPEAKER_02 5:58

100% does.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

Am I hearing that's what the podcast can do for people? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:03

You know, let me be your guide. So I've always loved self-help and self-development. I, you know, read self-help books like other people read lazy summer readers. And so let me be that bridge or that cliff notes for you because I've gone out and I've tried all the different therapies and I've done all the research. And so the goal was to bring this to life so that you had access to all the knowledge that I wish I had had that helped me through those phases of divorce. And really, there's three phases. You know, the first one is figuring out what you want. Do I stay or do I go? Then when you've made the decision, defining who you are. Who are you now that you're not a wife? Who are you now that you're not this other role that you used to be? And then the third phase is learning how to thrive in your new normal. How do you now live a happy, healthy life in a bunch of conditions that are different? If you're co-parenting, or maybe you're down to one payroll instead of two payrolls, like all those things. How do you thrive?

SPEAKER_01 7:01

You said something earlier that really caught my ear, which was really important. I think people understand is he didn't say blessings, but it says my divorce was a positive thing for me. To me, I call it a blessing. Talk about that for somebody listening, going, Erica, you're crazy. I don't see that. I'm sure you were there too. And how'd you get to that point?

SPEAKER_02 7:20

Yeah, because I was, you know, my my life was run by fear. Before I found out about what was going on, and before we moved into separation, I had moved into a place of trying to control all the details in my life in an effort to make things perfect. Because if things were perfect, then I could be happy. And really at the root of that was fear, fear that I was gonna be let down or hurt or I wasn't gonna get the things that I wanted. And so then the biggest fear ever shows up the plan I have for my life is not going to continue in the way that I want. And so I was really resistant to thinking that this in any way, shape, or form was gonna serve me. I was 35, I had a four-year-old, we were trying for a second baby. All my life plans were like whoosh out the door. And so it took a while for me, probably about a solid year of me doing the work. I really started of doing the work to find a way to save it, but I ended up finding me and saving myself, finding my own worthiness, finding what did I really want in a partner? How did I want to be treated? How did I want to treat somebody else? What dreams did I have for my own life? And how did I want them to come together? And that's where it truly was a gift. It was. There were things, you know, when I, when the divorce was final, I committed to retrying all the things I had always said no to because I didn't know if I had said no because I was afraid or if I really didn't like something. And so without the safety net of a set partner who's always around to go to a movie with you or to go to a concert with you, I had to go back out and try all of these things. I fell in love with snowboarding and I started going to breweries and I did all these solo trips. And it just was magical to really have the time to find me again.

SPEAKER_01 9:12

How powerful is it? You had said earlier, I did the work. Because I would think you do the work and you know you've exhausted it, and it's time to cut the cord and get it go. For the audience, that's a powerful message. How you know, how important is that?

SPEAKER_02 9:26

Yeah, it, you know, it's one of the things that I think surprised me is that I am one that when something hurts, I'm like, let's look at it, let's dig into it. I'm like a dog with a bone, right? I don't want to let it go until I've figured out what the solution is. And the part that surprised me was how often that healing cycle in the work was repetitive, was really a circle. It was layers. You know, I got the first layer, I thought I fixed it, I thought I healed it. And all of a sudden, a couple months later, it bubbles up again. And that's what led me into a lot of alternative healing practices because talk therapy only gets you so far. You know, you can talk about it and clear out, you know, I talk about it, it's like your grass. Okay. If you mow the lawn, it looks better. It looks better for a little while until everything starts growing up and then the weeds pop back up. And if all you do is mow it off, talk therapy it off, okay, it looks good for a little while until all those things start to bubble up again. And if we can't get to the root, if we can't get to what the real thing is, which probably happened years ago, which is probably some unmet childhood need that you're trying to fulfill through your current relationship, we can't move past the work, the the healing cycles that need to happen. But when you get through them, the the feeling of bliss that comes with doing that deep work of really looking at the pain is indescribable. It is such an amazing feeling.

SPEAKER_01 10:53

And it's positive what you're saying, but let's go a little negative in a good way. What is the hardest part about your healing journey then?

SPEAKER_02 11:00

Yeah, the the hardest part was how often it continued to come back. And almost, I'll use the word haunt me. You know, I did this already. I've already journaled it out. I've already ugly cried on the floor. Why does this still hurt? You know, because you'll do the work and you get through it and you're like, okay, I did it. It doesn't hurt anymore. And something again triggers you and you do the work again. And that is the hardest part. I remember years after the divorce, I was now moving into a new healthy relationship. And so what happens? A relationship is a mirror. It brought back up a lot of places that I thought I had healed, that I had dealt with. But now those fears, those insecurities were back. And I remember talking with another coach, and she's like, girl, you know what to do. You just have to do it. And that's kind of again that woo and that do, right? Well, the woo, the feeling. I see the feeling. What do I have to do? The same steps. I've got to acknowledge the fear. I've got to get to the real reason that I want this thing changed, and then challenge the thoughts. These fear-based thoughts are just little smoke and mirrors in our mind trying to keep us small, trying to keep us somewhere else. And the cool part is that the more you do it, the easier and the faster it gets. And so, versus before one of these things might come up, I might get triggered, my heart's hurting. It might be days that I'm upset about it. Now it might be five minutes. And so that to me is, you know, if I just gotta put a downer on it, the reality is that this stuff will stay with you forever. When your heart gets that hurt, it is always there, but you get better at being able to deal with it and heal the pain and move on to see it for the falsehood that it is, to not let it ruin your day and to choose the thoughts that you want to stay focused on.

SPEAKER_01 12:51

Business, I talk about taking action. You know, inaction is the worst thing you can do. It sounds the same, and in business and life definitely mirror each other. And that's when you're saying the woo and do take action, even if it's hard and it might take you longer. I love that. That's a great tip, audience. Uh, that you need to learn or only to take and understand. What do you wish more people understood about divorce?

SPEAKER_02 13:14

Um, I wish that they understood that. Ooh, there's probably two that just popped up. I had one and now I got two for you. But the first thing that I would want them to know is that it truly is a journey. We think that it's done when the divorce papers are signed and it's not. When the divorce papers are signed, it's officially the beginning of an entire new chapter of how do you want to live your life? You get a do-over, which you know, when you're in it and you don't want a divorce, it seems like the worst thing that could ever happen to you. And when you take the learnings, take the transformations, and then look at it. I mean, how many times do we get a do over? How many times do we get to restart and say, hey, you know what? The circles I built or the friends I was hanging out with, they don't really fill my cup. I want to build something new. You get that opportunity with divorce. And so that's the bittersweet part. Is it painful? Yes. But is it an amazing opportunity? Absolutely. You know, you get a take two. If you want another partner, you get to be more clear on what you want and how you want to be treated and who you're picking in the next round. And I would say the other, the other super important thing that I want people to hear so clearly if you are in the process or you are divorced. In all honesty, if you've got kids in the mix, you have got to grow up and put your own feelings aside for those kids that are stuck in the middle because the pain ripples that cause you to be resentful, that cause you to retaliate. You do these things, and I hear it all the time. Well, I'm gonna do this and get her back, or he did this, and now I'm gonna do this. And the people you're hurting are the kids in the middle. And so divorce has an amazing opportunity to show the next generation that people really can work together for a shared cause. Kids are the shared cause. So when you get through a divorce process, now it's a business relationship. You have a mutual goal in the middle of trying to help these kids be the best kids that they can be, of finding healthy relationships, of knowing what healthy relationships look like and feel like. And if you spend all your time continuing to fight and bicker and be cruel to your ex, your kids are the ones that see it. And the only people who can stop it are are the parents. The adults in the divorce have got to stop acting like kids and just own their hurt, do the work, and choose to show up a different way.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

Where were you 50 years ago? Because I'm a child of a divorced parent, and it would exactly the way, you know, I'll be very transparent. And you know, I'm just I know, and you bring in back feelings right now that I had, which are great because I think what you're telling me, awareness through all this is a big part of it.

unknown 16:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:04

Yeah. And in fact, the biggest thing, like if I had to pick one big lesson, one big value that divorce taught me, it would be the ability to extend grace. And so that has become really my word. It it wasn't, I didn't realize it was one of my core values until I started going through this process, you know, because I was like, oh, it's love and it's abundance. And I was like, it is grace. It is to be able to sit in a place and say, you know what, we're both hurting. And instead of me acting from a place of hurt and retaliating against you, I'm gonna give you a little grace. I'm gonna give you a little pause. I'm not gonna step into it because when I'm hurting, that's how I want somebody to treat me. And so, in all of these situations, you know, when people show up and they're like, but he's doing these things. And I go, and he's probably doing them because he's hurt. And he's probably doing them because he's got his own things, whether or not he knows it. And so that ability, just in society in general, can we give people more grace? Somebody cut you off. We don't know what's going on with them. Somebody didn't hold the door for you. Well, can you hold the door for the next person? We can absolutely change how everybody is showing up when we learn how to give grace. And it doesn't mean that you think that their behaviors are okay. It doesn't mean you're willing to tolerate disrespect in your life, but it does mean that you're you're just saying, okay, I get it. You might be hurting right now, and I don't know what that is for you. And so I'm just gonna choose not to react and sprinkle a little more love their way for the day.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

Hey man, keep talking about love like that. I love it. Let's get positive. What is your top value? Or I call superpower, and why do you think that matters?

SPEAKER_02 17:49

Ooh, okay. So the top superpower, I think that the top superpower, it definitely is this ability to think in terms of abundance or that there is enough. Okay, it is never me versus you. And we live in a culture that is trying to train us to believe that for you to win, somebody else has to lose. But there are enough jobs and enough opportunities and enough partners and enough space and an and enough, even like if we tiptoe into belief systems, right? We're in a very polarizing society right now. You have to be A or you have to be B. Can we hold space for both? Because if if we believe that B is wrong and A is the only one that's right, well, they're doing the same thing on the other side. So, how can we look at, you know what? It's not me versus you. There's enough for everybody. And when you really tap into that feeling of, I'm gonna be okay, there is enough for all of us, that ties directly back into that grace. You're then able to extend that grace because you know that you're not fighting for the same, you know, slice of pie. The the pie continues to get bigger, not that we're all working on on having the same piece.

SPEAKER_01 19:04

You're blowing me away right now, Erica. This is a audience, this is a rock star in a tough emotional, I don't want to say industry, but situation happens our life. I love this and and I'm learning so much. What came to my head was these people that use divorce as a get out of jail card, probably the wrong way, but you get what I'm saying. An audience, hey, I can marry Erica and no, I could just walk into the courthouse, file paper, and just divorce, and you see people four, five, six divorces.

SPEAKER_02 19:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

Speak on that. I know it's a tough subject, but speaking on that.

SPEAKER_02 19:36

Yeah. So I think when you get into a place where you see people with multiple divorces, it is um, there's two things going on. First, this is a person who so wants to be happy. They so are looking for the thing that is gonna make them happy. Because every time you're new in a relationship, before you really learn who somebody is or how you're different, you're like it, you're in love, right? Being in love just is a thing, a condition that makes you so excited. You can focus all that love and abundance on. You know, now if we get real into the woo, that person doesn't need to be there for you to feel that way. And so, like one of the woo tricks would be what else do you love in your life outside of a partner to be able to cultivate how do you stay in that feeling of always being in love and abundance? But that's we'll save that for a different episode. This one, somebody really, really wants to find that person. Maybe they are a hopeless romantic, maybe they just really like having partnership or somebody else to help out. But when you see the repeated divorces, then what I see tied into that is someone who is also running from the feelings and the healing work that needs to be done. So that's almost like somebody who has such a big heart. They want to find this love. But when it gets too painful, because they're not doing their own work to own their own emotions in it and their own history in it, they blame the other person that the reason I'm no longer happy is this other partner versus the reason I'm no longer happy is because there's things that I want, there's hoops that I'm asking my partner to jump through, conditions for me to be happy, and they're not able to do it. And so, all those conditions, you have to learn how to satisfy them yourself. Because if you don't know how to meet your own needs, how do you expect somebody else to? And I would flip that question. Would you ever, like Steven, your marriage, would you ever want to be solely responsible for your partner's happiness?

unknown 21:33

No.

SPEAKER_02 21:33

No, that pressure is ginormous. And we put it on our partner all the time. And we say, Well, now I'm married, so I'm having a rough day. You're supposed to make me happy. I'm really hungry and crabby, you're supposed to feed me. You have to meet those needs first, and then your partner is the above and beyond. It's the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. But we get that backwards and we start, even myself, I was, you know, working too hard. And overwhelmed. And I started to be like, oh, I just want my partner to show up and make me feel better because that's easier, right? Somebody showing up and loving you and treating you. That's like the fast lane to back to being lined up. But it's also not consistent and it's not sustainable. It has to come from the inside. When it's consistent and sustainable from you, then the other person can show up and multiply it.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

Well, you just maybe teared me up because that's a thing. Independence was a tough thing because I've been alone, you know, lived alone for 30 years, 20 years. Yeah. And you just helped me so much. And audience, hope it helped you. Because that I didn't want to lose that. You're right. If I need to eat, I can go cook something myself. I don't have to have her cook.

unknown 22:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:47

She wants to, you know, and we'll all are different. We have to work those balances out. Uh we're running out of time here. Let's get personal. Want to get personal? All right, let's go. Okay, you got a podcast. Pick an historical figure that you'd want to interview, and why?

SPEAKER_02 23:03

Oh my lord, history class wasn't not my story.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

Just something that pops up through your head. Somebody, and it could be a celebrity or just somebody that you'd love to be historical, it could be somebody you've wanted to interview.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

Somebody famous, somebody that I want to interview, somebody that I want to. There's a lot, but now why am I drawing a blank? Because you've put me on the spot. Okay. Um you can edit this part out, right? Hold on.

SPEAKER_01 23:29

I don't edit. We're gonna, this is great. You're just gonna keep going. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 23:34

So I would say if I pulled somebody up, I would actually want to talk to Amanda Francis. So Amanda Francis is uh the money manifesting queen. Um, the reason I would want to talk to her is because she has such a valuable way of being able to just no bullshit get to the heart of what's really in the way. And while her area of expertise is money and my area of expertise is emotions, those are so closely tied. And I think that when we can teach somebody these feelings of abundance that we've talked about, the love and abundance, it applies the same to money, it applies the same to love, it applies the same to opportunities. And so being able to have a really deep conversation on how do we tap into that specific feeling of abundance when you are so far away from it and filled with fear? So, what are those steps that we need to do to get ourselves back to it? I think that would be really fun.

SPEAKER_01 24:47

See the gap, that little gap, we got a huge, great answer. So I say, don't edit anything because there's something will come up. One real quick one. This is gonna get personal. What does Erica do on a Friday night?

SPEAKER_02 24:58

Oh my lord, I love to nap, but outside of napping, so uh on a Friday night, actually on a Friday night, we have built a little habit of going to the Legion in our small town. So, like the corner joint and hanging out with the regulars who are showing up. So we've created some kind of consistent patterns. Um, my partner lives in rural small town USA, and it is really fun where you know all the owners and you know all the people that work there, and you get to just be normal and just hang out for a bit, and there's no pressure of what you need to do. So we probably start there for a little socializing, and then either we are down to one of the other places to hang out, or we are just back to relax and unwind because by Friday I work hard Monday through Thursday is like pushing it. 10 hour days, getting everything done so that I can then enjoy my weekend.

SPEAKER_01 25:56

That's a great answer. It sounds like a wonderful Friday in my book. Yeah, how could be and this has been incredible show, audience? You've just been treated like there's no this is Christmas on May 22nd. So thank you so much. How can people reach out to you? Because I know people want to.

SPEAKER_02 26:13

Yeah, absolutely. You guys, you can find me at the Crazy X Wives Club. So the website, same name, Instagram, Facebook, the podcast is under the same name, and my DMs are always open. So I invite you to come over to follow, to slide into my DMs, send me your questions. Um, I love, love to hear from followers on what they're struggling with because then I can use it and create content specific for you. So when you're showing up, you know, somebody was in there today and they're like, oh my gosh, I'm struggling with this. And I'm like, beautiful. Guess what's gonna drop at 3 p.m.? A real specific to give you the tools to be able to move through it. So the crazy xwivesclub.com, same as Instagram and the podcast. You guys can find me at any of those places.

SPEAKER_01 27:00

Audience, you can see why I was so excited to have her on because that is a true servant's heart, and we need more of that in this world. God bless you and thank you. Audience, there were so many tips put out in the show today. I know people go, I they're too long these podcasts, but you might miss out on something that could change your life. Remember, if you're not going through a doors and you're not female, like I'm male, I know there's some women. I actually wrote a couple women down to introduce her to. So this is not just for you, but it's for the people in your network, in your family and your friends that she can help. So use the four and reverse buttons to take five, six, eight minutes of the show and share it with somebody or listen to it or watch it over and over again, and then DM her and tell me you DM'd her and ask her those questions. She just opened the door for you. That's why I love her. Actually, do you love what she's doing? Don't forget about my TV show, Together We Serve, every Friday at 2 p.m. Pacific, 5 p.m. Eastern. And you know what? Doing business with a servant's heart. Be just like Erica. Wear that on your head, on your chest, wear a hat. I've got hat, hoodies, t-shirts. It's in the show notes. Yeah, there's a cost, but I think the value is getting that message out to the world and wearing it. People go, doing business with a servant's heart, what's that all about? And last but not least, me and Erica want to thank you so much for either watching or listening to this episode. And we'll see you on the next episode of doing business with a servant's heart. Don't forget to check this on YouTube and leave a comment for her. I'll get that message to her as well. We'll talk to you on the next episode. Thank you all.